Rock & Roll Death House

Communication with the Author.ArchiveAbout Emma

Day 162: Long day

Still in Denver….not getting sleep tonight, catching the first flight outta here to Houston. Going to watch Netflix, got five more hours before we can board the plane….. I’ll sleep while flying in the sky :) Sounds good to me.

Day 162: I need to be dazed.

Sometimes I wonder if I have too many memories, maybe I didn’t party hard enough in high school that I remember too much of my time there. Maybe I didn’t have enough drunken nights or drug-filled jam sessions. Then I think about how much I’ve seen, memories that others don’t think I remember and I can’t help but feel a little blessed. I caught myself looking at people pictures on Facebook that I used to go to high school with and I wondered if they ever looked at my photos and thought, “Wow, she turned out okay.” I thought that about a few people, I felt envious about a few people and photos I saw. Life always looks more interesting on the internet, people don’t see the heartache nor the boredom. Only the moments that will get them the most likes and comments. That is what people really want, popularity. I miss the days when you would make a new friend and show them pictures in photo albums and introduce them to your family. Life seemed more personal then, rather people just Facebook stalk you before meeting you and try to get an idea about who you are. I don’t like that anyone can hide behind a facade that is their own creation. I even like I do that myself as well and I don’t think I like the person that I am portraying myself to be or allowing others to think of myself as. Maybe it isn’t not that I need to portray myself to have a certain life, maybe I just need to live a life that I want people to see me living. 

I went to a park that is close to my apartment today. It is my favorite place to be these days and I just thought to myself, “I love where I live and I live where I love.”

I always wondered why anyone would want to live in a place known as the “Heartbroken”. sitting in my car feeling the wind blow my hair and carrying the smell of the ocean, even though the ocean is miles away, I can see it. I can understand why a place with such a sad name can be such a great place to live. It calls to those who feel a way that is not normal, it called to me the first time I came here, the lake knew that I wanted something and yet I felt nothing. It called to me like it still does even today to help me feel something again. 

(two separate thoughts one post.)

Day 161: Catch me, I’m going down.

After two long hours of soaking in the bath tub with “The Doctor”, I have come to the realization that I am depriving myself and only myself by not writing. This is a public forum, yes I am aware of that but I made the promise to myself long, long ago, 800 miles away that I was going to stop living in the aura of others. I was going to live on my own conviction and of my own thoughts. 

I said it yesterday and I’ll say it again, “the words of one can ruin the dreams of many.” But that is only the beginning of it! There is more to the story and that is what I am here to do. Dreams are not controlled by the masses but of the few who have the courage to achieve them! YES! that is it! that is the ending I officially quote myself right here and right now! “The words of one, can ruin the dreams of many. BUT. Dreams are not controlled by the masses but of the few who have the courage to achieve them.” Hallmark, call me.

As I was sitting in this tub, my body barely being covered by the transparent water in this small tub. As the time went by, I started thinking of my indiscretions, of my demons and of my exhaustions and how torn I felt to be living in a mindset of feeling the burdens of these things. I worked out my indiscretions, I fought away my demons and I rejuvenated my mind and the water grew darker. The darker the water got, the more British I sounded and the better I felt as I laid in this tub filled with foggy water. Then after two hours, I pulled the plug. I watched the water fogged with my tired, huddled masses of ideas and thoughts and watched it funnel into the abyss, down the hatch and down the drain it all went. Until, all I was left with was the white porcelain bottom of this small tub and the ending credits.

I have my reasons for writing these words and I have my reasons for making them public. Read them or read them not, I don’t care. They are there and I am just making them available if your interested. All I know if that I almost allowed myself to be washed down that drain along with my thoughts and demons but instead I allowed myself to feel the courage I have to follow my dream and rise above the foggy waters of my own making. Thanks, “Doctor”. I am amazing.

"The words of one can end the dreams of many"

- I said it.

Day 155: I’m so drunk right now.

I had such a great night. I got to hang out with some great people at the STL Nerdy Girls Game Night!! I had only one beer so no, I’m not “so drunk” right now.

Something I really like about this group is the feeling that I am surrounding myself with strong, intelligent women that I can see myself modeling after. I’d like to find friends ultimately and I hope they are people that I can find a positive influence with. That is something that I need right now is good, positive people and I look forward to meeting people like that here.

This all just goes back to that feeling I have about surrounding myself with positive energy and attitudes. In Houston, I felt like I was surrounded by negativity and it really brought me down. Now, here I feel like I am allowing myself to be opened up and that can bring that positivity I was speaking of to the surface. I know that Houston wasn’t the main problem to my negativity but I just couldn’t help but put a physical place in association with the emotions. It is something that better helps to ease the transition.

Now I am going to eat my very late dinner and watch some “Doctor Who” Before going to sleep! Happy Weekend! Well for me it is the weekend. :)

Day 153-154: Goo-Goo for Yoga.

I wasn’t able to go to last week’s yoga class thus causing an incredibly hard class this week. Although, I think my confidence level is rising because I am trying out new poses. I am really enjoying yoga, so much that I am going to try to get my meetup group to go out to a class with my instructor. Yay!

This isn’t going to be that great of a post. Mostly, I wanted to apologize for not writing last night. I got into HTML mode and wanted to work on the look for my blog. After three hours of that, I got super sleepy. It is still in progress, I don’t like a few of the things going on now. So mind the mess in the blog, it is still workable too. Let me know your thoughts, I’d love to hear them. 

Well work is sucking, I loathe it there but its a job and for now I am staying there because it gives me something to do and a little bit of my pocket. I am really excited about tomorrow night, I am going to meet up with my STL NErdy Girls group for a board game night which is going to be a blast!!!

I’ll let you know how it goes. Okay back to HTML mode!! 

P.S. My husband just came home with a Snickers Bar too, yummy!!! I know I know, I’m on a diet but its okay to indulge every once in awhile :)

Day 151-152 : Under My Umbrella

Thunderstorms and tornadoes. Definitely not used to the latter but we all grow accustomed to all things at some point. That’s the reasoning behind having two days on the title tonight. With the weather acting on the fritz, the electricity went out and I couldn’t get online. These past two night I really have enjoyed myself. Yesterday, I went to work, which went by oddly fast but I think it is because I am growing sick of the job already. I was extremely tired but refused to go to sleep until it reached a decent bedtime. So I spent some time watching “Doctor Who” and researching airline prices. Once my husband came home from his job, we got ready and headed out for a Friday Night date. We explored an area called the “Delmar Loop” and ate at the famous Blueberry Hill restaurant. If you don’t know why it has gained it’s fame, it is because of Chuck Berry. But I thought it was owned by Chuck Berry and it turns out that it really is not. I don’t know why its famous for him anymore, I guess its because he is always there. We didn’t see him, we didn’t really look for him either. It was so much fun walking around this area too. It is a very hip, young and bright part of town. I say bright as in that very vibrant feeling. Then there were these sirens blaring and it seemed weird because we were walking around and people didn’t seem to really care that these sirens were ringing. My husband and I were really confused because we thought that when these particular sirens start going off that means a tornado is coming. Lucky for us, we did not meet a tornado but we were met with a bunch of rain and rain around the streets getting soaked. Funny that I felt so young when we did this. I felt like I was living in a movie. It is a good feeling to think that you are living in a uber romantic movie but when reality hits that is when it kind of depresses you  because you realize that you aren’t in some romantic movie. Sometimes I do wish life was like that, I’m just a hopeless romantic at times. After ending our rainy rendezvous on the Delmar Loop, we went back home to a dark apartment complex. After seeing that the lights were going to be out for quite sometime, it was late enough and I was tired enough that I just wanted to sleep. There was a moment in which I was lying in bed with the blinds in the window open and I could see the rain fall and hear it as well. I had just thought about how very nice I felt at that moment. How very much I was at peace and I was glad that I was going to sleep with that feeling in mind. Then I wake up an hour later to my future sister in law texting me asking my what my middle name is and how her and my brother in law were talking about their baby names and what their middle names were going to be. It was kind of lame that i couldn’t go back to sleep after that but oh well. 

This morning was kind of nice too, it was still raining and my job had the power go out as well as the entire Maryland Heights area. I went to work not knowing exactly what I was going to be doing with the lights off but I’m glad that it ended up to be a pretty easy day. All I did was ride along with some co-workers to get breakfast and that took two hours which was nice! Then set out the food and helped some of the co-workers. I was out of noon, easy-peasy. Tomorrow I hope will be somewhat back to normal now that the lights might be back on. Overall, to be completely honest, I am getting really sick of this job. I really want to do something else and I would prefer to stay with this company but they aren’t living up to what they agreed upon and its making me think that I am getting the runaround. Good thing is that at least I have something to bring in that little bit amount of money that I do make. That is enough to get me the extra money to keep going and I still have the time to continue on the job hunt. The rest of the weekend I am really looking forward to, tomorrow I am going to a festival after work so that should be cool too. The rest of the week I have a few things going on but hopefully more will come my way. I like to stay busy. 

Well, I know this is more of a blogging, “Here’s what I am doing and what I got going on”, kind of a post but that is sometimes needed. I have a few ideas for essays and I still have some that I started that I need to finish and some that I need to work on. If anyone has any topics that they might like for me to discuss I would love to hear your ideas!! 

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